We hate it, we fear it, and we never want to admit to anyone that we do it. That’s right, I’m talking about fighting with your significant other (pause for dramatic effect). I know this topic may be a bit taboo because no one wants to acknowledge the fact that they fight with their partner, let alone discuss any details. But the fact of the matter is, whether you’re newly dating, in a long-term relationship, engaged, or even married, there is one thing we have in common: we all fight with our significant other!
Some couples fight more than others, and every couple has their own “fighting style”. Nevertheless, arguments do happen and it is important to remember that this is completely normal! Just because you may fight, it does not mean you and your significant other are not meant to be together, or that there is something wrong with your relationship.
Personally, my husband and I have had our fair share of disagreements over the years. Not to mention, we have definitely made some mistakes in the realm of fighting. During our first months of marriage, I would get scared when my husband and I would have a fight. I would think to myself, “We’re newlyweds! We shouldn’t be disagreeing over anything!” However, I have learned that it is okay to have a disagreement and that there is, in fact, a right and wrong way to have a fight.
Here are my best tips on how to have a healthy fight:
Cool-Off Time
If you and your partner reach a disagreement and you can feel an argument coming on, step away from each other and allow yourselves some time to cool off. Oftentimes, individuals get too heated in the moment. This may lead to them saying things they don’t mean, or lashing out at the other person. In turn, the argument will become counterproductive, and you will not make any headway. Ryan and I are sometimes guilty of not allowing ourselves a proper cool-off time, and we have noticed our fights are more productive when we take a breath first.
Listen
After your cool-off time has come to an end and you are both ready to start discussing what went wrong, make sure to listen to the other person when they are speaking. Sometimes during an argument, we are too focused on waiting for the other person to finish talking so we can jump in and start making our own point. When we do this, we don’t actually hear what the other person is saying. It is so important to listen to the other person and try to understand what they are feeling so you can move on from the fight. I must admit that I have done this a few times because, like many other women, we rarely never think we are in the wrong (ladies…am I right, or am I right?). I have come to realize that by doing this, I am not hearing what my husband is thinking or feeling and therefore, our arguments did not get settled. Trust me when I say, listening goes a long way!
Fight Fair
No matter how mad you are at the other person, resist the urge to be petty or partake in things like name-calling. Remember that whatever you choose to say to your partner will be out in the air forever. You can never take back words that have been said. Therefore, fight fairly and think before you speak.
Only Say What’s Relevant
That time he forgot your birthday 3 years ago? Or that summer he had to leave your vacation early due to a work emergency? It is not relevant at this moment. Often, people will start to bring up old issues and throw them into the new argument. DON’T DO IT. Leave those issues in the past and focus on the issue at hand.
Apologize
When you guys have finally reached the end of the fight, don’t ever forget to apologize to one another. A simple “I’m sorry” goes a long way. I should also add here that this should be a heartfelt apology! Saying you are sorry just to say the words will not fix anything. Say you are sorry and really mean it! It indicates to the other person that you have made a mistake and do not intend on making the same mistake again. In my eyes, the fight is not officially over until you have both apologized to each other. Even if you need a second cool-off period after you have discussed your concerns, always come back to each other and apologize. Oh, and don’t forget to smooch!
Learn
Last but not least, always learn from your mistakes. Learn from the mistakes you made which lead to the fight in the first place, and learn from the mistakes you may have made during the fight. As a couple, you should strive to better your relationship each and every day. No individual is perfect, and no couple is perfect. However, at the end of the day, if you both work on learning from your faults and put effort into your relationship, you will never fail as a couple.
I hope this encourages you to open up the conversation about fighting in your relationship. I promise you, it is not as scary as it sounds. Once you have made up and you’re ready for a date night, check out last week’s post to catch up on my favorite Daytime Date activities!
Do you have any additional tips on improving upon your fighting habits as a couple?
Great post! Some things I try to teach my clients as a family therapist is avoid the words NEVER and ALWAYS. When angry we see things in black and white so avoid these words at all costs. Also never start a sentence with YOU. Sometimes if talking about a certain topic is too triggering (no matter how much time you take to cool off) try writing a letter to your significant other. It gives you the opportunity to really think about what you want to say and then proof read so you can catch yourself if you write something not so helpful/healthy. Lastly to add to your listening paragraph, it’s important we listen to understand our partner, in arguments we usually listen to respond which is not helpful or healthy. I recommend using a timer and each taking 2-3 minutes of uninterrupted time to air your concerns. When the next person speaks, their time should not be used to respond to what the other said but to explain their feelings. Knowing that the other partner should not/ will not butt in it allows the person to speak freely and forces the listener to listen to understand rather than listen to respond.
Hope you can use some of these ideas 🙂
Happy communicating!
I love everything about this! Especially what you said about writing a letter. I think this is such a great idea. Thanks so much for your ideas and insights. I am sure you are an amazing family therapist and people are so lucky to have you!